Funny Roasts To Say To A Bully: 135 Smart And Witty Comebacks

If you are looking for funny roasts to say to a bully, this article will give you clever ways to handle bullies with grace. Bullying is never okay, and sometimes a well-placed funny roast can be an effective way to stand up to a bully. Humor can diffuse tension, and a witty comeback can leave a bully stunned.

We do not encourage being mean or hurtful. These roasts aim to defend yourself, not to cause harm. Always try to keep the tone light-hearted, even when standing up for yourself. Humor is your tool, not your weapon. Let us look at some smart and funny roasts to say to a bully in different situations.

Witty One-Liners to Make Bullies Think Twice

Using humor to make a bully pause is an effective tactic. These one-liners are funny roasts to say to a bully that can catch them off guard.

“Did you forget your manners at home or are they just on vacation?”
“I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
“If you were any more transparent, I’d see right through your nonsense.”
“You bring so much joy to a room—by leaving it.”
“Some people spread happiness wherever they go, and others, whenever they go.”
“Your secrets are safe with me. I never even listen.”
“You sound better with your mouth closed.”
“I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and come up with something that makes more sense.”
“I’m not a mirror, but I see your problem.”
“Your drama would make a great soap opera—too bad I don’t watch TV.”
“You must have confused me with someone who actually cares.”
“It is not that I do not like you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I would drink it.”
“Do not worry about what people think of you. They are not thinking of you at all.”
“If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in great shape.”
“You should come with a warning label.”

Clever Roasts to Show You Are Unbothered

Letting a bully know they do not get under your skin can be powerful. These funny roasts to say to a bully show that their words do not bother you.

“I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.”
“You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it is a beautiful day.”
“I’m busy right now; can I ignore you later?”
“I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.”
“Your negativity is giving me a headache. Please leave before it becomes a migraine.”
“I’m trying to see things from your perspective, but I just can’t get my head that far up.”
“You’re the reason I need caffeine in the morning.”
“Sorry, I do not have time to pretend I like you.”
“Your insults are like your breath—weak and ineffective.”
“If I wanted to hear from you, I’d buy a parrot.”
“I’d agree with you, but I don’t want to be wrong twice in one day.”
“Your opinion is noted—and promptly discarded.”
“If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.”
“I’d give you a nasty look, but you’ve already got one.”
“You’re living proof that evolution can go in reverse.”

Sarcastic Roasts for When Bullies Overstep

Sometimes, a touch of sarcasm can make a bully reconsider their actions. These funny roasts to say to a bully do just that, delivering your message with wit.

“Oh, I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”
“You should really use some of that energy on being a decent person.”
“It’s impressive how you can open your mouth and not say anything of value.”
“I didn’t know it was possible to say so many words and make so little sense.”
“You’ve got the perfect face for radio.”
“If only your talent matched your ego.”
“Your insults are like a broken pencil—pointless.”
“I’d challenge you to a battle of wits, but it wouldn’t be fair.”
“You’ve got a lot of nerve—too bad it’s in your mouth.”
“Your argument is sound… nothing but sound.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
“You bring a lot of joy to people. Just not to me.”
“I’d tell you to go outside and get some fresh air, but I wouldn’t want to pollute it.”
“Are you always this stupid, or are you just making a special effort today?”
“I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.”

Light-Hearted Roasts That Keep It Playful

When you want to keep the interaction light-hearted, these funny roasts to say to a bully can help you stay playful while still defending yourself.

“You’re like a software update—no one really wants you around.”
“I’d say you’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but that’s an insult to the shed.”
“If you were a vegetable, you’d be a brussel sprout.”
“I bet you wear a helmet when you walk.”
“You’re like a dictionary. You bring meaning to my life, just not the one I need.”
“If you were any more boring, you’d be a PowerPoint presentation.”
“Your life must be a ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ book where all the choices are wrong.”
“You’re like a bad Wi-Fi signal. You keep cutting out.”
“If you were a spice, you’d be flour.”
“I’d tell you a joke, but I’m afraid you wouldn’t get it.”
“You’re like a cloud on a sunny day—unnecessary.”
“If sarcasm were a superpower, you’d be a superhero… in training.”
“You’re the human version of a participation trophy.”
“Your brain is like a web browser with too many tabs open.”
“You’re like a candle in the wind—unreliable and easy to blow out.”

Roasts to Use When a Bully Gets Personal

If a bully tries to get personal, these funny roasts to say to a bully can help you defend yourself without getting too deep.

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why you’re wrong.”
“You must get tired of putting other people down. Try lifting someone up for a change.”
“I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
“You’ve got the perfect face—for a mask.”
“If you ran your mouth as much as you run your life, you’d be in trouble.”
“You’re like a Monday—nobody likes you.”
“Isn’t there somewhere else you should be boring?”
“You’d be much more likable if it weren’t for that personality of yours.”
“You’re a great example of why some animals eat their young.”
“You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.”
“You’re the reason why ‘dumb’ rhymes with ‘fun’.”
“Your life is a marathon, and you’re still at the starting line.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
“You’re like a bank holiday—everyone’s happier when you’re gone.”
“You’re the reason we have a delete button.”

Silly Roasts to Keep It Friendly

If you want to keep things friendly while still standing up for yourself, these funny roasts to say to a bully will help you do just that.

“You’re like a penny—two-faced and not worth much.”
“You must have been born on a treadmill because you’re going nowhere fast.”
“I’d say you’re a piece of work, but that’d be an insult to artwork.”
“You’re like a broken record—no one wants to listen to you.”
“If you were a fruit, you’d be a sour grape.”
“You’re like a screen door on a submarine—completely useless.”
“If you were a potato, you’d be a bad one.”
“You’re like a Sudoku puzzle—difficult and not worth the effort.”
“I’d call you a tool, but even tools are useful.”
“You’re like a phone with no signal—frustrating and pointless.”
“You’re like a traffic jam—everyone hates being stuck with you.”
“You’re like a low battery—nobody wants to deal with you.”
“If you were a weather forecast, you’d be cloudy with a chance of boring.”
“You’re like a bad haircut—everyone notices, but no one wants to say anything.”
“You’re like a rerun—same old story, different day.”

Smart Roasts for Intellectual Bullies

Sometimes, bullies try to use intellect as a weapon. These funny roasts to say to a bully can help you counter that with your wit.

“You remind me of a math book—full of problems.”
“You’re the reason we have erasers.”
“I’d correct you, but then I’d have to explain it in smaller words.”
“You’ve got an IQ higher than room temperature—barely.”
“You’re like a complex equation—no one really cares about solving you.”
“If you were any more dense, you’d collapse into a black hole.”
“Your logic is like a parachute—useless unless it’s open.”
“You’re like a science experiment—interesting, but no one wants to repeat you.”
“You’re a walking contradiction—a smart person doing dumb things.”
“You’re like a thesaurus with only one word—wrong.”
“Your arguments are like Swiss cheese—full of holes.”
“You’ve got a good mind. It’s a shame you don’t use it.”
“You’re like a computer virus—annoying and hard to get rid of.”
“If you were a test, I’d skip you.”
“You’re like a puzzle with missing pieces—impossible to figure out.”

Gentle Roasts for Younger Bullies

When dealing with younger bullies, it is important to keep your roasts gentle. These funny roasts to say to a bully are perfect for younger audiences.

“You’re like a crayon, but not the brightest one in the box.”
“You’re like a cupcake with no frosting—just plain.”
“If you were a cat, you’d have one life instead of nine.”
“You’re like a tree with no leaves—missing something important.”
“You’re like a rainbow with no colors—kind of sad.”
“You’re like a turtle without a shell—exposed.”
“You’re like a snowman in summer—melting away.”
“You’re like a kite with no string—lost.”
“You’re like a book with no pages—empty.”
“You’re like a dog that chases its tail—going in circles.”
“You’re like a bike with flat tires—stuck.”
“You’re like a song with no melody—off-key.”
“You’re like a clock with no hands—useless.”
“You’re like a bird with no wings—grounded.”
“You’re like a puzzle with no picture—confusing.”

Classic Roasts to Keep in Your Back Pocket

Sometimes, classic roasts are the best roasts. These funny roasts to say to a bully have stood the test of time and are always effective.

“You’re like a broken clock—right twice a day.”
“You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.”
“You’re like a compass with no needle—directionless.”
“You’re like a candle with no wick—useless.”
“You’re like a car with no engine—going nowhere.”
“You’re like a boat with no sail—adrift.”
“You’re like a pen with no ink—pointless.”
“You’re like a house with no foundation—unstable.”
“You’re like a sandwich with no filling—empty.”
“You’re like a map with no roads—confusing.”
“You’re like a computer with no memory—blank.”
“You’re like a chair with no legs—unsupported.”
“You’re like a phone with no charge—dead.”
“You’re like a flashlight with no batteries—dim.”
“You’re like a door with no handle—closed off.”

Conclusion

Dealing with bullies is tough, but humor can be a powerful tool. These funny roasts to say to a bully are designed to help you stand up for yourself while keeping the mood light. They are not about being mean, but about protecting yourself with wit and confidence.

When you use these funny roasts, you show that you can handle the situation with grace. Remember, the goal is not to hurt, but to defend. Humor can disarm a bully, making them think twice before picking on you again. Stand tall, stay strong, and let your humor do the talking.